Days when you feel like the Ugly Duckling

We all have them, you know the moment you wake up and the world just doesn't seem quite right.  You feel off, sluggish, bulky, puffy, and you even use the words to describe yourself as ," fat, ugly, unattractive."  You know those days, I started my day like that today.  To make it worse, I did the unthinkable, I stepped on our scale in the bathroom. ( insert scary music here)  Not my wisest discission making momment of my day.   I've not stepped on our bathroom scale in over 3 months. Eek!!!  Yes, the self loathing prerecorded message in my brain started to play.  I even uttered the words out loud, " God Sandra you need to get on a diet."  

Now here's the thing, I've dieted most of my life since my teen years.  I know most of you can relate to that very statement yourselves.  I know I do need to shed a few pounds, not for vanity reasons, but for health reasons alone.  I generally love my body now that I've hit my 40's.  That took along time to learn to love my body for all it can do and has done for me.  However I like most of us have days we hate our bodies. The negative self talk about every imprefection we "see" on our bodies. 

I've had my Oprah " A-ha" moment about learning to love my body, but I've not had the "A-ha" moment to be consistenly active in my daily life.  I have all the best intentions like everyone else I see and know who have been successful at weight loss or being active daily.  I've purchased gym memberships that I sometime used and then quit. I have weights, yoga mats, dvd's for pilates, yoga, 

T-25, weight loss cook books as well.  I will do these excersizes off and on over a period of time but never continually stick with a program. I have a great momentum to keep on track and then I loose it after a "bad day" and give up. I know I'm not alone with this pattern either.

My issue is the lack dedication and drive to be active.  I talk the talk but don't follow up with the walk to match it.   I know I need to be healthier, a roll model for our kids.  I know that I feel better and sleep better when I work out doing traditional workouts, yoga, pilates or even just a good walk around the neighbourhood after dinner with my sweet hubby.   I see my friends have their A-ha moments and be successful to be healthier and shed their unwanted pounds.  They look amazing and I am so happy for them all as I've seen their hard work they put into them selves.  I hope to have my A-ha moment to one day, but until then I'll just keep on plugging away to be healthier one day at a time and to make better choices for my life.  Rome wasn't built in a day and neither will be my journey to be a healthier, happier mom, so I will embrace my ugly duckling days and know when I wake up tomorrow it will be a brand new day to be a better version of me.

❤️️️️️NYTS 

Most of us have it.... The glorious Muffin top.

I'm looking myself over in the store mirror assessing the top I am thinking of purchasing.  I love the colour, the feel of the material, the loose drape feel and I look good from all sides. However  I do a double take at the front of my reflection in the mirror.  I have the twisted up lips on my face when I can see my dreaded " muffin top" over my pants showing through the top.  Now I'm questioning myself in my head.  Just a few seconds ago I thought I looked great.  How is it that one part of our bodies can make one so self conscious and fill out hearts and mind with self doubt.

I of course have my auto pilot self loathing prerecorded messages playing in my head for these such moments in my life.  They go something like this, " God how did you get so fat.  Why do you have such a HUGE belly.  How can my husband find me attractive.  I need to start a diet right away.  How can you live with yourself looking like this."  It can go on and on and on.   I know we all have that negative voice in our heads.  This is something over the years I have been working on and it's hard, so very hard to change that negative thought process.

It amazes me how we can let our body shapes effect our outlook on how we feel about how the rest of the world sees us or perceives us to be.  I have struggled with my muffin top since after my son was born 14.5 yrs ago.  I had a C-Section.  He was a big baby.  A whopping 11lbs and 23 & 3/4 inches long.  Yes I gave birth to a toddler.  My Dr. told me after having my son that the likely hood of me having a flat stomach ever again was near to impossible unless I had a tummy tuck and liposuction.  After my daughter a few years later and then 3 months after her having emergency surgery I have technically had 3 C-Sections.  Now for sure I will never have a flat tummy and will have a muffin top till I die.

I've thought about having the procedures my Dr. told me about after I had my son over the years.  I have those moments when I cry when I look at my body naked in the mirror at what I see.  There are days it gets me so down in the dumps I just put on my sweats and watch mindless TV and I'm not        "present"  for my family.  My husband has seen me through a few of these days.  Then there are days when I see my reflection and I marvel at what my body has created, 2 beautiful children.  This muffin top, the stretch marks, the pants 2 sizes bigger that I buy to fit the muffin top into rather than the surgery are all worth it.

I still struggle with my body image at 42. And yes I still compare myself to other moms out there and their body's thinking they look amazing, what have I done wrong.  However,  I have a job to do and that's to teach my daughter to love her body, to have a healthy body image of herself.  Not to feel the pressure of looking the the glossy magazine models who are air brushed to perfection.  I have a son to teach that 2% of the women in real life look like those magazines, to teach him to respect and complement a woman, not to ever put her down. To love a natural looking healthy woman. ( he's in his teen years)   To both my children that everyone is beautiful inside and out.  The old saying goes, "Never judge a book by its cover."

I am still working on my learning to love me for me. To be fully comfortable in my own skin.  To love my muffin top and all its glory.  It's the journey of self love, self acceptance and tolerance that I have learned so much about who I am and where I want to be in my life.  So embrace the muffin top, love your body and all it can do as my body can do amazing things, yours can too. 

In the end I bought the top.  I love how I look in it. Bonus, my husband told me I look beautiful  and sexy in it at the store.

❤️️NYTS