It's a soul crushing feeling that leaves you crippled. You feel weak and full
of remorse towards ever fiber of your very being. On a molecular level you are brought to tears that you can not stop from streaming down your face. Today for the 1st time in a very long time, I loathed my body. I am ashamed of myself and how I let myself get to the size I am. I thought I made peace and layed this body shaming voice to rest years ago. Has it always been there waiting under the brush of life waiting to pop out when I least expect it? I guess so. I forgot how raw you can feel when this ugly feeling rears its self in " the flesh". It's been 4 years since I last felt or talked this way about my body. It truly saddens me that I've had these feeling again. My sound track came back, " I hate that I have a pudgy belly, the huge thunder thighs, Rolls on my belly when I sit down. This size of the pants I wear are huge and unattractive. My tops make me feel like I wear a tent." Yes, this has been my sound track in my head today and it is down right awful. Writing this makes me cry. I feel raw and vulnerable to my very core and it's so uncomfortable.
How can I teach my daughter to love her body when I feel this way about my own? I know in my heart this will pass and I will have a healthy out look once more. But for now I will process this feeling(s). They came up for a reason. Maybe I need to reevaluate my out look on myself, a truer reality that lies before me. I know I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be. My "heart" longs for that fleeting moment of societies version of perfection. Let's be honest here, we all do. Reality is, it doesn't exist. You have to work hard at your health. You have to be physically active. You have to eat nutritious foods to fuel your body. ( Sorry, what's that, Crispy Cream isn't part of that food pyramid? Oh oh, my bad.)
So I'll have my day of "whoa is me". And hope when I wake up tomorrow morning, my view on my body will be back on track. Thank you for "listening". ❤️️️️️️️️️NYTS
