Life can hand you out some big changes. Be it a new love or loss love, new baby or adoption, new job, retirement or loss of a parent or grandparent. The list could go on and on, but I know you get the point I'm getting at.
I knew that I was going to experience some of these changes this year but I didn't realize or understand how I was to deal with them or the feelings I would have towards these changes in my life. Just over 2 months ago I lost my father, my childrens grandfather and my mom's husband of 44 years, way to soon. He was a good man, loved his family with all his heart. He wasn't perfect but he was ours. I remember the day Dad went into the hospital so well. He was getting sicker with what we thought was this nasty flu that was hitting everyone at the time in October. He was getting weaker daily and it got the point where my mom had to say he needed help to get better and we couldn't get him down the stairs with out hurting him or ourselves. We had to call the Ambulance services to get Dad to the ER. Little did we all know, that would be dads last day at home in his own bed for 80 days. We celebrated Christmas with Dad in the hospital, video taped Dance and music recitals for him to watch his grandchildren as he was to sick to attend. He had a few surgeries but still wasn't getting any better. Then one day mid January mom said enough is enough we are bringing him home. Deep down mom and all of us knew Dads days with us were getting shorter. The day my mother retired from work is the day we brought dad home to live his days at home, with his family and friends. We had some great laughs, tough moments, great stories and plenty of hugs, kisses and lots of , " I love you's" January 31st 2017, at 8:55pm my dad left us all.
Family was around him in the house when he left us. My Uncle and his family drove down from up north to see him. I was taking my Aunt and cousins out to grab a bite to eat to bring back when I got a call as we where walking thru the door that we needed to get home asap. I will never forget as I walked thru my parents door looking up the staircase and my mom looking down at us and saying, " Your dad is gone." Those 4 words hit me hard. I ran up the stairs looked at the nurse who came in to look after dad in the evening and she was just so sad. This women didn't know dad other than the 13 days he was home and he made a huge impact on her life too. Dad had that funny quality about him. I went in to see him. He was still warm and I kissed his forehead and stroked his hair. I placed my hand above his heart and told him that I love him and always will. That he lives in his grandchildren and his legacy will continue with all 4 of them.
I went in at least 15 times more to see him and kiss him goodbye before the funeral home came to collect dad. They made him look so small. He was a big man and when they brought him down the stairs into the garage to place him in their vehicle they put his body wrapped up on a gurney and I heard this clattering like something had fallen. I of course daughter like father made a joke to lighten the mood. I said, " Oh crap, they dropped him." We all had a mini chuckle. As mom closed the garage door to the house, I felt like I was in a movie scene, I felt my legs give out under me and crumbed to the floor in the door opening to where he just lived out his last days and took his last breath and I just balled, that down to your toes body shaking gut wrenching cry. I didn't want anyone to touch me i just needed that moment to just grieve my dad who was now forever gone.
Dads out look on life was laughter. Trust me he could also be a miserable old goat as well. But, he could always make someone smile. He was a story teller and told jokes all the time. Some of them we have heard over and over since we where kids, but they where apart of him and his life. My father was many things in life. A truck driver, a finishing carpenter, my joe handyman. But most of all he was a Son, Brother, Husband, Father, Papa, Uncle and a friend. I am ever so thankful to have had those last 13 days with him at home. I saw him every day except 2.
The point I am getting to is that in coping with my life change(s) is this. I have parts of my dad all around me. Little things, like his cowboy hat he wore when he as a truck driver. Mom just gave me his wedding band and a Taurus Necklace that he wore when I was a kid which my son now wears every day. My daughter has some of his Art supplies and the drawings they did together a few years ago that I will have framed for her. Even though his body has left this earth and we will not have him he there for the big things in life like grandkids graduations, weddings, great grandkids being born. He is all around us and looking out over us all.
We are now living in the year of 1st. It will be a hard one but I know it will get easier over time. We just had our 1st Easter dinner with out him. But the kids made the family Easter cake like we did when I was a kid. The next one will be his Birthday April 27th. Dad would have been 66 years old.
I still have my moments when I cry just thinking about him. He comes to visit me in my dreams. I'll be listening to a song that reminds me of him and us dancing in our living room when I was a little girl. I will look all over our home and know that he installed our fireplace mantle so that Jake could put up his Christmas stocking for his 2nd Christmas. Or the floors we walk on in all the rooms except for a few dad installed them with his hands and Jake with his plastic hammer installing our living room floor. Dad making Megan her headboard for her bed as she wanted to have a princess like bed when she was 6. I find comfort in all these things and will continue to do so until my last day on earth. I miss him, I miss his voice, his silly jokes, his laugh, his big bear hugs and his smile. I'm
coping and I'm going on living one day at a time.
So this is how I am dealing with my big life change. What big life change have you gone thru recently? How have you dealt with it? Do you have any coping skills you feel like your would like to share or do you just go with the flow? We all have like changes and some are big and some are small but they all have an impact on us all on some level.
Thank you for taking time out of your day to read about mine. 💗NYTS
