I am going to say this, I am FAT! I have let myself go completely. I haven't cared to much about my diet, the exercise anything. I have chosen to be lazy and complacent in my life. I am bored, sad, mad, craving attention yet want to be left alone. I am my worst enemy. I have given up on me. But why? It is easy to give up. Plain and simple. I can't blame others for the state that I am in. No one forced me to sit down on the couch and look at social media and watch T.V. more that anyone person should each day. No one put a gun to my head and said, " Eat that food." I have eaten for comfort, for shear boredom. I have become less of the person I use to be because I of the choices I make each and every day to do nothing to stop the destruction I am causing to my body and my soul.
I am disconnected from the ones that I love and that love me. Or at least I think they still love me or at least care on some level. I " listen" to their words of concern for me and my health, physical and mental. I am admitting I am struggling still with the death of my dad at the beginning of this year. I am numb and want to cry daily over his loss but I don't as I feel the need to be strong and not show how upset I really am.
I get upset easily with my husband and kids. It's not their fault that I am angry 50% of the time. It is me who I am angry with, but they do things that set me off and most of the time it's little things that shouldn't bother me. But they do and after I get upset I usually say that I am sorry to them. I think its getting old with them all my moods and being grumpy. Gosh, it gets to me.
Why do I feel now is the time to be honest with myself? Am I hoping that with Christmas and a New Year coming around the corner will give me a new lease on life? That I will have an Oprah " A HA" Moment that will change my out look for ever? No, I think I am so fed up with how I am living my life. How poorly I have treated my body, how I have put some my hate and sadness into the just writing those words is making me cry. I hate who I am and who I have become. I am sad and lonely and I feel like I am all alone and no one to talk to as they will not understand the pain I am in.
I sat down to try on a pair of shoes today and I didn't even recognize the woman in the mirror. It made me so sad. There was this lady who looked so tired and worn down. A big ball of with arms and thick legs. My skin looks warn down and dull and puffy. I have the picture in my head, its there mentally for ever. How did I get this far down the rabbit hole? I don't know who I am any more. I am feeling lost. Where did my confidence go? Where did my love for who I am disappear to? I use to walk with swagger, and now I waddle in to life.
I am so mad at myself. I have never been perfect but at least I cared about my health and my appearance. What do I do from here? Where do I start? Who can I turn to? I don't want to burdened any one with my problems. I can see why some of my friends and I have lost touch or maybe are not as close as we once where. I was a glass is half full gal and now it's the glass is half empty.
Is this the 1st step? Do I need to seek help professionally? Do I seek help from a dietitian, mental health dr? Do I see a personal trainer to get my health back on track? Or all the above? I just know I can not be like this anymore. I can't feel like a failure anymore. I feel this way as a daughter, sister, wife, mother, friend. It's a powerful feeling failure. Like an outer body experience that makes you say, " what the fuck where you thinking girl?" The fact is, I wasn't thinking, I was numbing myself to not think or feel anymore. Lonely, Failure and Fat. These are the 3 words in my head right now and it is tough. I hate making " New Years Resolutions" I need to be real and honest. Raw and vulnerable. I require to make different choices and have an different out look and mind set. I don't want to be unhappy any more. I don't want to be unhealthy physically or mentally anymore. What I crave and desire is Balance, Drive, feeling centred and empowered. Balance, this word is sticking out to me. What is it? It an even distribution of weight enabling someone or something to remain upright and steady. A condition in which different elements are equal or in correct proportions.
*I wrote this before christmas of 2017. I wasn't going to blog anymore but still write down how I am feeling. Kinda like a dear diary sort of thing that one of my best friends encouraged me to do. Thankfully I listened to her and today I sat down and re read this entry. I'm still feeling this way today but not as harshly. Less of an open wound. I am going back to they gym regularly 2-3 times a week. I am being mindful of what I eat most days, yet I still struggle. January was a good start all around but February I was being honest with some things and now March is tomorrow and its yet another restart button being pushed. I have had many of these restarts but I am not going to give up. I have to invest in myself and one day it will stick, I just have to keep on trying to find a balance in life that I can stick with and find peace with in it all.
Thanks for "listening" as always. xo NYTS
