I am going to say this, I am FAT! I have let myself go completely. I haven't cared to much about my diet, the exercise anything. I have chosen to be lazy and complacent in my life. I am bored, sad, mad, craving attention yet want to be left alone. I am my worst enemy. I have given up on me. But why? It is easy to give up. Plain and simple. I can't blame others for the state that I am in. No one forced me to sit down on the couch and look at social media and watch T.V. more that anyone person should each day. No one put a gun to my head and said, " Eat that food." I have eaten for comfort, for shear boredom. I have become less of the person I use to be because I of the choices I make each and every day to do nothing to stop the destruction I am causing to my body and my soul.
I am disconnected from the ones that I love and that love me. Or at least I think they still love me or at least care on some level. I " listen" to their words of concern for me and my health, physical and mental. I am admitting I am struggling still with the death of my dad at the beginning of this year. I am numb and want to cry daily over his loss but I don't as I feel the need to be strong and not show how upset I really am.
I get upset easily with my husband and kids. It's not their fault that I am angry 50% of the time. It is me who I am angry with, but they do things that set me off and most of the time it's little things that shouldn't bother me. But they do and after I get upset I usually say that I am sorry to them. I think its getting old with them all my moods and being grumpy. Gosh, it gets to me.
Why do I feel now is the time to be honest with myself? Am I hoping that with Christmas and a New Year coming around the corner will give me a new lease on life? That I will have an Oprah " A HA" Moment that will change my out look for ever? No, I think I am so fed up with how I am living my life. How poorly I have treated my body, how I have put some my hate and sadness into the just writing those words is making me cry. I hate who I am and who I have become. I am sad and lonely and I feel like I am all alone and no one to talk to as they will not understand the pain I am in.
I sat down to try on a pair of shoes today and I didn't even recognize the woman in the mirror. It made me so sad. There was this lady who looked so tired and worn down. A big ball of with arms and thick legs. My skin looks warn down and dull and puffy. I have the picture in my head, its there mentally for ever. How did I get this far down the rabbit hole? I don't know who I am any more. I am feeling lost. Where did my confidence go? Where did my love for who I am disappear to? I use to walk with swagger, and now I waddle in to life.
I am so mad at myself. I have never been perfect but at least I cared about my health and my appearance. What do I do from here? Where do I start? Who can I turn to? I don't want to burdened any one with my problems. I can see why some of my friends and I have lost touch or maybe are not as close as we once where. I was a glass is half full gal and now it's the glass is half empty.
Is this the 1st step? Do I need to seek help professionally? Do I seek help from a dietitian, mental health dr? Do I see a personal trainer to get my health back on track? Or all the above? I just know I can not be like this anymore. I can't feel like a failure anymore. I feel this way as a daughter, sister, wife, mother, friend. It's a powerful feeling failure. Like an outer body experience that makes you say, " what the fuck where you thinking girl?" The fact is, I wasn't thinking, I was numbing myself to not think or feel anymore. Lonely, Failure and Fat. These are the 3 words in my head right now and it is tough. I hate making " New Years Resolutions" I need to be real and honest. Raw and vulnerable. I require to make different choices and have an different out look and mind set. I don't want to be unhappy any more. I don't want to be unhealthy physically or mentally anymore. What I crave and desire is Balance, Drive, feeling centred and empowered. Balance, this word is sticking out to me. What is it? It an even distribution of weight enabling someone or something to remain upright and steady. A condition in which different elements are equal or in correct proportions.
*I wrote this before christmas of 2017. I wasn't going to blog anymore but still write down how I am feeling. Kinda like a dear diary sort of thing that one of my best friends encouraged me to do. Thankfully I listened to her and today I sat down and re read this entry. I'm still feeling this way today but not as harshly. Less of an open wound. I am going back to they gym regularly 2-3 times a week. I am being mindful of what I eat most days, yet I still struggle. January was a good start all around but February I was being honest with some things and now March is tomorrow and its yet another restart button being pushed. I have had many of these restarts but I am not going to give up. I have to invest in myself and one day it will stick, I just have to keep on trying to find a balance in life that I can stick with and find peace with in it all.
Thanks for "listening" as always. xo NYTS
Wednesday, 28 February 2018
Sunday, 5 November 2017
Getting outside and help your Mental health.
I like many others have the "blues" on occasion. Life this year has been stressful in different ways but the old saying goes, " God doesn't give you more than you can handle." There is also scientific proof that to shake those blues or mental foggy moments away is get your body moving for at least 10 minutes.
Mental health is becoming a topic of conversation that is increasingly no longer taboo to talk about. I know that there are many out there who do not feel entirely comfortable talking about it or admitting that they or someone they love suffers from Mental health issues. If you suffer from Anxiety, depression, panic attacks, and so on, there is help out there for you. Be it via your family physician, medication, therapy and even exercise.
Have you ever noticed that you dread going for a walk or going into the gym and you tell your self, "Just a 1/2 hour." After that 1/2 hour do you notice a change in your mood, your energy? It's different isn't it? You might be tired but you feel somewhat or completely different mentally. As per the Mayo Clinic, Exercise may help one in the ease of depression and anxiety but the releasing of "feel-good endorphins" and other natural brain chemicals that can enhance your sense of well-being.
Did you know that regular exercise has many emotional and psychological benefits too? It can help one gain confidence, help with being more social with interactions with others and it an also help you cope with your depression or anxiety better than drinking alcohol or dwelling on how you feel.
The thing is that exercise doesn't mean you have to hit the gym everyday and lift weights to get huge or train to run a marathon (unless that what you goal is.) What I am getting at is this. Taking care of ourselves physically and mentally go hand in hand. So if you are wanting to tackle your mid day blues with a quick walk around the block or hit the gym, do yoga, go for a swim, or play a game of ball with your kids outside. It is all good for you, 100%.
I have a personal philosophy, You have to learn some thing new and laugh each day. In a world that we live in filled with so much sadness, environmental chaos, wars, gun violence, and more horrible news on TV, the internet, social media. Don't you think we need to step away from it all and carve out some time for bettering ourselves by walking away from it all for even 10 mins to clear your mind and better your overall health? I know will be doing just that every day as I know I am worth having a healthy mind and body.
So get moving, get outside and live your life today a little it clearer that yesterday.
💗 NYTS
Mental health is becoming a topic of conversation that is increasingly no longer taboo to talk about. I know that there are many out there who do not feel entirely comfortable talking about it or admitting that they or someone they love suffers from Mental health issues. If you suffer from Anxiety, depression, panic attacks, and so on, there is help out there for you. Be it via your family physician, medication, therapy and even exercise.
Have you ever noticed that you dread going for a walk or going into the gym and you tell your self, "Just a 1/2 hour." After that 1/2 hour do you notice a change in your mood, your energy? It's different isn't it? You might be tired but you feel somewhat or completely different mentally. As per the Mayo Clinic, Exercise may help one in the ease of depression and anxiety but the releasing of "feel-good endorphins" and other natural brain chemicals that can enhance your sense of well-being.
Did you know that regular exercise has many emotional and psychological benefits too? It can help one gain confidence, help with being more social with interactions with others and it an also help you cope with your depression or anxiety better than drinking alcohol or dwelling on how you feel.
The thing is that exercise doesn't mean you have to hit the gym everyday and lift weights to get huge or train to run a marathon (unless that what you goal is.) What I am getting at is this. Taking care of ourselves physically and mentally go hand in hand. So if you are wanting to tackle your mid day blues with a quick walk around the block or hit the gym, do yoga, go for a swim, or play a game of ball with your kids outside. It is all good for you, 100%.
I have a personal philosophy, You have to learn some thing new and laugh each day. In a world that we live in filled with so much sadness, environmental chaos, wars, gun violence, and more horrible news on TV, the internet, social media. Don't you think we need to step away from it all and carve out some time for bettering ourselves by walking away from it all for even 10 mins to clear your mind and better your overall health? I know will be doing just that every day as I know I am worth having a healthy mind and body.
So get moving, get outside and live your life today a little it clearer that yesterday.
💗 NYTS
Monday, 25 September 2017
She never Quit. Fear would get in the way though.
Quit - To stop, cease, or discontinue. To give up or resign; let go; relinquish.
Life is a work in progress. There are hard days, and amazing days. Most of the time it all works out in the wash or 50/50. Like the word " Fat" I am not a fan of the word " Quit" either. Along the way on lifes journey, I have "pinned" my plans and goals on my imaginary cork board for starting up things at a later date due to unforeseen circumstances, but I to have to admit, I have quit on myself and it sucks big time.
I think quitting does something to you mentally. I mean I have quit a job that I hated to pursue one that I was better suited for. However, I am talking about quitting on yourself. Giving up on a dream, a goal. Why do we do that? Do we feel that we are not worthy of our own time and effort to pour into ourselves? We selflessly give unto others, but we give up on ourselves all the time. We give to our husbands, our children, family and friends, to our community with out even batting an eye daily.
I think it is time we take back some of our time to ourselves to be a priority. You are worth every single millisecond of time. What are some of your dreams and goals you have quit as a result of helping others? What did quitting do you and how did it make you feel? Have you ever thought of picking up your dream or goal up again? What is stopping you? Honestly, you have to be honest with your self. I know I have to be and it is a scary thought. I have goals that I have put on the back burner as I am scared of the outcome might not be what I have envisioned. I admit, I am scared of failing, looking like a fool. But I need to stop being full of fear and the what ifs. I need to be let go of the fear and face it head on. Stop letting your fear be the reason why you quit. Maybe we need to be scared and left the fear be what drives us to be great.
I have been out of the " normal " work force for 8 years. I have been lucky enough to be able to raise our kids, but I feel the need to get back to work at a steady Part time job with in the my current job. Yet I've been afraid to reapply for a job I know I would be great at due to I did clerical in the past but I've let fear hold me back from trying out. I need to let my fears push me to pursue rather than hold me away from my goal. This goes for so many other parts of my personal life as well. I know I am not the only one who faces these fears and quits on there dreams, goals and plans.
For example. I had an old friend in the past who was afraid to travel to foreign countries as they felt that something bad would happen to them, and it was always the worst case scenario. They let their own fears hold them back from seeing the world. They always had a dream to see the world growing up and then they quit that dream due to their fears. I'll give examples, they feared they would get caught in a bombing, in an accident, they would get robbed or their personal worse fear we being raped. They told me that their fears where brought on by all the horrific news they where watching and reading. Even tried to get under my skin to invoke their fears on to me. Heck no I was destine to see the world one day. I love to travel. But this is just an example of one persons fears letting them quit their goal and dream.
I guess what I am trying to get across in a nutshell is this. Don't quit. Don't let fear be your demise. Do not live with regret because you quit and let fear win. Conquer you fear, tame your worries. Be victorious, strive to be better. We all can accomplish our goals if you desire to. Carve out your "ME TIME" and get moving. Take that computer course, take that trip, dance on stage, write that novel, build that piece of furniture, paint your art, write your poem, start up your business, go back to school, do what ever you want to do, but just do it! If Fear looses, you WIN!!!
xo NYTS
Life is a work in progress. There are hard days, and amazing days. Most of the time it all works out in the wash or 50/50. Like the word " Fat" I am not a fan of the word " Quit" either. Along the way on lifes journey, I have "pinned" my plans and goals on my imaginary cork board for starting up things at a later date due to unforeseen circumstances, but I to have to admit, I have quit on myself and it sucks big time.
I think quitting does something to you mentally. I mean I have quit a job that I hated to pursue one that I was better suited for. However, I am talking about quitting on yourself. Giving up on a dream, a goal. Why do we do that? Do we feel that we are not worthy of our own time and effort to pour into ourselves? We selflessly give unto others, but we give up on ourselves all the time. We give to our husbands, our children, family and friends, to our community with out even batting an eye daily.
I think it is time we take back some of our time to ourselves to be a priority. You are worth every single millisecond of time. What are some of your dreams and goals you have quit as a result of helping others? What did quitting do you and how did it make you feel? Have you ever thought of picking up your dream or goal up again? What is stopping you? Honestly, you have to be honest with your self. I know I have to be and it is a scary thought. I have goals that I have put on the back burner as I am scared of the outcome might not be what I have envisioned. I admit, I am scared of failing, looking like a fool. But I need to stop being full of fear and the what ifs. I need to be let go of the fear and face it head on. Stop letting your fear be the reason why you quit. Maybe we need to be scared and left the fear be what drives us to be great.
I have been out of the " normal " work force for 8 years. I have been lucky enough to be able to raise our kids, but I feel the need to get back to work at a steady Part time job with in the my current job. Yet I've been afraid to reapply for a job I know I would be great at due to I did clerical in the past but I've let fear hold me back from trying out. I need to let my fears push me to pursue rather than hold me away from my goal. This goes for so many other parts of my personal life as well. I know I am not the only one who faces these fears and quits on there dreams, goals and plans.
For example. I had an old friend in the past who was afraid to travel to foreign countries as they felt that something bad would happen to them, and it was always the worst case scenario. They let their own fears hold them back from seeing the world. They always had a dream to see the world growing up and then they quit that dream due to their fears. I'll give examples, they feared they would get caught in a bombing, in an accident, they would get robbed or their personal worse fear we being raped. They told me that their fears where brought on by all the horrific news they where watching and reading. Even tried to get under my skin to invoke their fears on to me. Heck no I was destine to see the world one day. I love to travel. But this is just an example of one persons fears letting them quit their goal and dream.
I guess what I am trying to get across in a nutshell is this. Don't quit. Don't let fear be your demise. Do not live with regret because you quit and let fear win. Conquer you fear, tame your worries. Be victorious, strive to be better. We all can accomplish our goals if you desire to. Carve out your "ME TIME" and get moving. Take that computer course, take that trip, dance on stage, write that novel, build that piece of furniture, paint your art, write your poem, start up your business, go back to school, do what ever you want to do, but just do it! If Fear looses, you WIN!!!
xo NYTS
Sunday, 10 September 2017
Owning myself and my hangups.
When I say " Owning myself and my hangups", I am speaking of trying to understand as to how I got to where I am today, physically, mentally and soulfully. These three components of each of our lives are all intertwined, wether we like it or not. The mental state we are in can effect the way we are physically and soulfully, and so on and so on. You get where I am going with this. I need to break these three components of my life down, so here we go.
Mentally. I have a few views in my head that I feel are on loop, kinda like a hamster on the wheel. Some days I feel amazing, confident and beautiful. I own my feelings, but they tend to waver. I then start the negative self talk. It goes like this,"Oh you know you be more attractive if you lost 70 lbs, People will respect you more if you weren't so overweight, Look at yourself in a mirror and see all that fat* on your body that so gross, God how did you let your self go and get so out of shape?", and so on. This part of my "loop" is debilitating Mentally, Physically and Soulfully, it crushes me. The last part of my loop is my inner cheerleader after my negative self talk. I puff up my self esteem and think, hey for my physical and mental health I know I have to move my body, it can be going to the gym, taking our dog for a walk, or just dancing in the house like no ones watching. It's been proven that if we move our bodies for even 15 -30 minutes a day it can help with depression and mental fog. I own my mental loop and what it does to me. I need to figure out how to remove that nasty negative self talk part of the it as I would never say that to anyone else in my life, why should I accept that kind of verbal assault about me? No one should. (* I hate the work fat and try very hard to remove that from my vocabulary. For me its like the "C" word for most women)
Physically, There are days I wake up and my body feels amazing and others I hurt all over. I have a sore mid upper back, my right Knee aches from many years of punishment in my youth as a figure skater and other injuries along the way and in my 40's planters facetious. At one time in my life I was super flexible, toned, in shape. I'm not going to lie and say I have health issues, thats why I got to be where I am physically. I'm owning the facts that I stopped caring, I got lazy and complacent. I would tell myself, "you had a rough day, you can start tomorrow". It became a habit. This is also apart of where my mental state would affect my physical state. I know what I have to do to be healthy, we all do and there is no magical pill out there, no fad diet to which we can live on forever. It takes hard work and eating a balance diet. No one is perfect not even those who grace the covers of the health style magazines (which are photoshopped I might add). I love my curves and hourglass figure, I need to have it in better shape and toned up. I'm not looking to be a size 4 but I would be completely thrilled to be a 14.
Soulfully, I feel beaten up. I have had my fair share of crap going on in my life, some which I have shared with you all here and some that are very private I tell only those closest to me or no one. When one is not Mentally positive and feeling Physically positive, it effects how ones soul and spirit feels. It throws you off centre, and creates a shit storm in your life. Taking time out do what's right for your spirit is the best thing anyone can do. Be it meditation, taking a hot bath with no interruption, a walk with nature. Recharge your batteries however you see fit.
Now I have proclaimed in my last blog that I was going to get my life in order and my ducks in a row. The process isn't going to happen over night to be healthy in all parts of my life, as it didn't happen over night to get to this point in my life either. It will be a journey with bumps along the way and that's ok. But owning who I am, how I got to here and now and knowing I can and will do better for myself is all I can ask of me. It's all any of us can do is own our B.S. and be better, healthier, happier versions of who we are. And if you have naysayers in your life, you don't need their negativity ruining your mojo, step away from them and surround yourself with those who are like minded in your new way thinking. Be happy, be joyful and love yourself completely. xo NYTS
Mentally. I have a few views in my head that I feel are on loop, kinda like a hamster on the wheel. Some days I feel amazing, confident and beautiful. I own my feelings, but they tend to waver. I then start the negative self talk. It goes like this,"Oh you know you be more attractive if you lost 70 lbs, People will respect you more if you weren't so overweight, Look at yourself in a mirror and see all that fat* on your body that so gross, God how did you let your self go and get so out of shape?", and so on. This part of my "loop" is debilitating Mentally, Physically and Soulfully, it crushes me. The last part of my loop is my inner cheerleader after my negative self talk. I puff up my self esteem and think, hey for my physical and mental health I know I have to move my body, it can be going to the gym, taking our dog for a walk, or just dancing in the house like no ones watching. It's been proven that if we move our bodies for even 15 -30 minutes a day it can help with depression and mental fog. I own my mental loop and what it does to me. I need to figure out how to remove that nasty negative self talk part of the it as I would never say that to anyone else in my life, why should I accept that kind of verbal assault about me? No one should. (* I hate the work fat and try very hard to remove that from my vocabulary. For me its like the "C" word for most women)
Physically, There are days I wake up and my body feels amazing and others I hurt all over. I have a sore mid upper back, my right Knee aches from many years of punishment in my youth as a figure skater and other injuries along the way and in my 40's planters facetious. At one time in my life I was super flexible, toned, in shape. I'm not going to lie and say I have health issues, thats why I got to be where I am physically. I'm owning the facts that I stopped caring, I got lazy and complacent. I would tell myself, "you had a rough day, you can start tomorrow". It became a habit. This is also apart of where my mental state would affect my physical state. I know what I have to do to be healthy, we all do and there is no magical pill out there, no fad diet to which we can live on forever. It takes hard work and eating a balance diet. No one is perfect not even those who grace the covers of the health style magazines (which are photoshopped I might add). I love my curves and hourglass figure, I need to have it in better shape and toned up. I'm not looking to be a size 4 but I would be completely thrilled to be a 14.
Soulfully, I feel beaten up. I have had my fair share of crap going on in my life, some which I have shared with you all here and some that are very private I tell only those closest to me or no one. When one is not Mentally positive and feeling Physically positive, it effects how ones soul and spirit feels. It throws you off centre, and creates a shit storm in your life. Taking time out do what's right for your spirit is the best thing anyone can do. Be it meditation, taking a hot bath with no interruption, a walk with nature. Recharge your batteries however you see fit.
Now I have proclaimed in my last blog that I was going to get my life in order and my ducks in a row. The process isn't going to happen over night to be healthy in all parts of my life, as it didn't happen over night to get to this point in my life either. It will be a journey with bumps along the way and that's ok. But owning who I am, how I got to here and now and knowing I can and will do better for myself is all I can ask of me. It's all any of us can do is own our B.S. and be better, healthier, happier versions of who we are. And if you have naysayers in your life, you don't need their negativity ruining your mojo, step away from them and surround yourself with those who are like minded in your new way thinking. Be happy, be joyful and love yourself completely. xo NYTS
Monday, 28 August 2017
Me and only Me.
This is me after a morning work out with my hubby this morning. This is me feeling raw and vulnerable after looking in a mirror at the gym this morning and truly seeing "me".
What I saw was a woman who is tired, physically and emotionally. I am feeling older than I really am. The reflection of a woman who " talks the big talk", but feels like she let herself go physically and spiritually. I see it in my face, the way I stand and carry myself. I've let my pride in who I am wash away. I am seeing the double chin, the wrinkles, the "bat wings" on my upper arms and the oh to big butt and hips. At one time I viewed myself at a "Goddess", a woman who could conquer the world. Now I feel old and worn down and tired, oh so freaking tired. I miss my days of feeling loud and proud. Feeling confident in myself and my not so perfect body. I use to love that I was a curvy and voluptuous gal. I desire to create those feelings again and you know what, I will do it.
I'll walk with pride and power in my step. Feeling confident in who I am. Be proud of my journey I have been on. That is all the ups and downs, the good and the bad. I will embrace my beauty and my flaws. Accept new challenges and be more open to truly living outside the box. To listen to my body and what it really needs. Treat my body as a temple and nourish it with love, positivity, knowledge, and healing physically and mentally.
One can not truly help out another until one truly helps oneself. This is my time, to invest in me. To make myself a priority and be proud of who I am and all that I can accomplish in life. I am going to stop wishing and start doing. This is my journey to finding my true self and to rediscover all of my possibilities and acceptance of who I truly am.
So please join me along the way. I love all your support, comments, your journeys and stories. Quite simply, I love my tribe.
💗NYTS
Thursday, 22 June 2017
Lazy days of Summer
Sitting on my patio deck under the inviting shade from the warm sun of the afternoon, I reflect on the past Summers of long ago. Where we dream of sun kissed skin, relaxing nights by the bon fire, sipping Iced Tea, BBQ's with our friends and families and those summer road trips with good music. Every summer I create a " to do bucket list". The things I would like to accomplish with either my kids, my hubby or on my own. This year I feel as though I've really not put forth the time nor energy towards this to do list. Maybe its because in the past we might get 4 out of the 8 - 10 items on the list crossed off, or maybe it is due to I feel "off " this year. I don't know, but a part of me is like, "meh, its ok."
One thing I look forward to each summer is our camping kick off with have with an amazing group of dear friends and their kids. It has become a summer right of passage, ritual if you can call it that. The last day of school we all take off up to the lake, 20 - 25 kids and all their parents, so 50+ people all in one very large camp site. Swimming in the lake, sun tanning, playing games, poker, bbq's , gift exchanges, kids laughter, adults chilling on the lake shore sipping a ice cold beer or cocktail. We all go rain or shine, no matter what. Just over a week till this happens and we all can't wait the kids are all talking about it and what they all want to do and who they can't wait to see again, parents too.
Now this list usually has a BBQ party at our house, kids sleeping in the tent in the back yard, beach day, watching the sun set from one of our local coastal mountains, food truck event, date night for my hubby and I and a day with just each of my kids, one on one time with mom or dad. This summer I think I will forgo this list of " must do this summer" and I think we will do a fly by the seat of your pants instead. Its a staycation year too with just getting back from Italy over the Spring break and sending our son to Nova Scotia for Canadian Jamboree with Scouts Canada and our trip for a wedding in Toronto for my cousin/ brother John and his amazing and loving fiancé Brandon's big day in August.
Maybe I'll do a quick mom get away to see my friend in Peachland, or hang out in my backyard reading all summer long and being lazy in the hammock sipping on my moms summer slush she makes (it's so good). Using the summer to relax and recharge rather than go, go, go. Wouldn't that be a refreshing change of pace.
What do you do for summer? Are you like me and you want to try and pack in as much as you can? Or do you just have a lazy summer and chill out and fly by the seat of your pants? Not going to lie, I'm a planner kinda gal, so this might be a one off for me to not have my summer fully planned out. But maybe this is exactly what I need is a lazy, hazy summer. What ever you do or do not have planned, I sincerely hope you all have an amazing summer break with your loved ones. 💗 NYTS
One thing I look forward to each summer is our camping kick off with have with an amazing group of dear friends and their kids. It has become a summer right of passage, ritual if you can call it that. The last day of school we all take off up to the lake, 20 - 25 kids and all their parents, so 50+ people all in one very large camp site. Swimming in the lake, sun tanning, playing games, poker, bbq's , gift exchanges, kids laughter, adults chilling on the lake shore sipping a ice cold beer or cocktail. We all go rain or shine, no matter what. Just over a week till this happens and we all can't wait the kids are all talking about it and what they all want to do and who they can't wait to see again, parents too.
Now this list usually has a BBQ party at our house, kids sleeping in the tent in the back yard, beach day, watching the sun set from one of our local coastal mountains, food truck event, date night for my hubby and I and a day with just each of my kids, one on one time with mom or dad. This summer I think I will forgo this list of " must do this summer" and I think we will do a fly by the seat of your pants instead. Its a staycation year too with just getting back from Italy over the Spring break and sending our son to Nova Scotia for Canadian Jamboree with Scouts Canada and our trip for a wedding in Toronto for my cousin/ brother John and his amazing and loving fiancé Brandon's big day in August.
Maybe I'll do a quick mom get away to see my friend in Peachland, or hang out in my backyard reading all summer long and being lazy in the hammock sipping on my moms summer slush she makes (it's so good). Using the summer to relax and recharge rather than go, go, go. Wouldn't that be a refreshing change of pace.
What do you do for summer? Are you like me and you want to try and pack in as much as you can? Or do you just have a lazy summer and chill out and fly by the seat of your pants? Not going to lie, I'm a planner kinda gal, so this might be a one off for me to not have my summer fully planned out. But maybe this is exactly what I need is a lazy, hazy summer. What ever you do or do not have planned, I sincerely hope you all have an amazing summer break with your loved ones. 💗 NYTS
Thursday, 20 April 2017
Lifes changes. How do you deal with them especially the loss of a loved one?
Life can hand you out some big changes. Be it a new love or loss love, new baby or adoption, new job, retirement or loss of a parent or grandparent. The list could go on and on, but I know you get the point I'm getting at.
I knew that I was going to experience some of these changes this year but I didn't realize or understand how I was to deal with them or the feelings I would have towards these changes in my life. Just over 2 months ago I lost my father, my childrens grandfather and my mom's husband of 44 years, way to soon. He was a good man, loved his family with all his heart. He wasn't perfect but he was ours. I remember the day Dad went into the hospital so well. He was getting sicker with what we thought was this nasty flu that was hitting everyone at the time in October. He was getting weaker daily and it got the point where my mom had to say he needed help to get better and we couldn't get him down the stairs with out hurting him or ourselves. We had to call the Ambulance services to get Dad to the ER. Little did we all know, that would be dads last day at home in his own bed for 80 days. We celebrated Christmas with Dad in the hospital, video taped Dance and music recitals for him to watch his grandchildren as he was to sick to attend. He had a few surgeries but still wasn't getting any better. Then one day mid January mom said enough is enough we are bringing him home. Deep down mom and all of us knew Dads days with us were getting shorter. The day my mother retired from work is the day we brought dad home to live his days at home, with his family and friends. We had some great laughs, tough moments, great stories and plenty of hugs, kisses and lots of , " I love you's" January 31st 2017, at 8:55pm my dad left us all.
Family was around him in the house when he left us. My Uncle and his family drove down from up north to see him. I was taking my Aunt and cousins out to grab a bite to eat to bring back when I got a call as we where walking thru the door that we needed to get home asap. I will never forget as I walked thru my parents door looking up the staircase and my mom looking down at us and saying, " Your dad is gone." Those 4 words hit me hard. I ran up the stairs looked at the nurse who came in to look after dad in the evening and she was just so sad. This women didn't know dad other than the 13 days he was home and he made a huge impact on her life too. Dad had that funny quality about him. I went in to see him. He was still warm and I kissed his forehead and stroked his hair. I placed my hand above his heart and told him that I love him and always will. That he lives in his grandchildren and his legacy will continue with all 4 of them.
I went in at least 15 times more to see him and kiss him goodbye before the funeral home came to collect dad. They made him look so small. He was a big man and when they brought him down the stairs into the garage to place him in their vehicle they put his body wrapped up on a gurney and I heard this clattering like something had fallen. I of course daughter like father made a joke to lighten the mood. I said, " Oh crap, they dropped him." We all had a mini chuckle. As mom closed the garage door to the house, I felt like I was in a movie scene, I felt my legs give out under me and crumbed to the floor in the door opening to where he just lived out his last days and took his last breath and I just balled, that down to your toes body shaking gut wrenching cry. I didn't want anyone to touch me i just needed that moment to just grieve my dad who was now forever gone.
Dads out look on life was laughter. Trust me he could also be a miserable old goat as well. But, he could always make someone smile. He was a story teller and told jokes all the time. Some of them we have heard over and over since we where kids, but they where apart of him and his life. My father was many things in life. A truck driver, a finishing carpenter, my joe handyman. But most of all he was a Son, Brother, Husband, Father, Papa, Uncle and a friend. I am ever so thankful to have had those last 13 days with him at home. I saw him every day except 2.
The point I am getting to is that in coping with my life change(s) is this. I have parts of my dad all around me. Little things, like his cowboy hat he wore when he as a truck driver. Mom just gave me his wedding band and a Taurus Necklace that he wore when I was a kid which my son now wears every day. My daughter has some of his Art supplies and the drawings they did together a few years ago that I will have framed for her. Even though his body has left this earth and we will not have him he there for the big things in life like grandkids graduations, weddings, great grandkids being born. He is all around us and looking out over us all.
We are now living in the year of 1st. It will be a hard one but I know it will get easier over time. We just had our 1st Easter dinner with out him. But the kids made the family Easter cake like we did when I was a kid. The next one will be his Birthday April 27th. Dad would have been 66 years old.
I still have my moments when I cry just thinking about him. He comes to visit me in my dreams. I'll be listening to a song that reminds me of him and us dancing in our living room when I was a little girl. I will look all over our home and know that he installed our fireplace mantle so that Jake could put up his Christmas stocking for his 2nd Christmas. Or the floors we walk on in all the rooms except for a few dad installed them with his hands and Jake with his plastic hammer installing our living room floor. Dad making Megan her headboard for her bed as she wanted to have a princess like bed when she was 6. I find comfort in all these things and will continue to do so until my last day on earth. I miss him, I miss his voice, his silly jokes, his laugh, his big bear hugs and his smile. I'm
coping and I'm going on living one day at a time.
So this is how I am dealing with my big life change. What big life change have you gone thru recently? How have you dealt with it? Do you have any coping skills you feel like your would like to share or do you just go with the flow? We all have like changes and some are big and some are small but they all have an impact on us all on some level.
Thank you for taking time out of your day to read about mine. 💗NYTS
I knew that I was going to experience some of these changes this year but I didn't realize or understand how I was to deal with them or the feelings I would have towards these changes in my life. Just over 2 months ago I lost my father, my childrens grandfather and my mom's husband of 44 years, way to soon. He was a good man, loved his family with all his heart. He wasn't perfect but he was ours. I remember the day Dad went into the hospital so well. He was getting sicker with what we thought was this nasty flu that was hitting everyone at the time in October. He was getting weaker daily and it got the point where my mom had to say he needed help to get better and we couldn't get him down the stairs with out hurting him or ourselves. We had to call the Ambulance services to get Dad to the ER. Little did we all know, that would be dads last day at home in his own bed for 80 days. We celebrated Christmas with Dad in the hospital, video taped Dance and music recitals for him to watch his grandchildren as he was to sick to attend. He had a few surgeries but still wasn't getting any better. Then one day mid January mom said enough is enough we are bringing him home. Deep down mom and all of us knew Dads days with us were getting shorter. The day my mother retired from work is the day we brought dad home to live his days at home, with his family and friends. We had some great laughs, tough moments, great stories and plenty of hugs, kisses and lots of , " I love you's" January 31st 2017, at 8:55pm my dad left us all.
Family was around him in the house when he left us. My Uncle and his family drove down from up north to see him. I was taking my Aunt and cousins out to grab a bite to eat to bring back when I got a call as we where walking thru the door that we needed to get home asap. I will never forget as I walked thru my parents door looking up the staircase and my mom looking down at us and saying, " Your dad is gone." Those 4 words hit me hard. I ran up the stairs looked at the nurse who came in to look after dad in the evening and she was just so sad. This women didn't know dad other than the 13 days he was home and he made a huge impact on her life too. Dad had that funny quality about him. I went in to see him. He was still warm and I kissed his forehead and stroked his hair. I placed my hand above his heart and told him that I love him and always will. That he lives in his grandchildren and his legacy will continue with all 4 of them.
I went in at least 15 times more to see him and kiss him goodbye before the funeral home came to collect dad. They made him look so small. He was a big man and when they brought him down the stairs into the garage to place him in their vehicle they put his body wrapped up on a gurney and I heard this clattering like something had fallen. I of course daughter like father made a joke to lighten the mood. I said, " Oh crap, they dropped him." We all had a mini chuckle. As mom closed the garage door to the house, I felt like I was in a movie scene, I felt my legs give out under me and crumbed to the floor in the door opening to where he just lived out his last days and took his last breath and I just balled, that down to your toes body shaking gut wrenching cry. I didn't want anyone to touch me i just needed that moment to just grieve my dad who was now forever gone.
Dads out look on life was laughter. Trust me he could also be a miserable old goat as well. But, he could always make someone smile. He was a story teller and told jokes all the time. Some of them we have heard over and over since we where kids, but they where apart of him and his life. My father was many things in life. A truck driver, a finishing carpenter, my joe handyman. But most of all he was a Son, Brother, Husband, Father, Papa, Uncle and a friend. I am ever so thankful to have had those last 13 days with him at home. I saw him every day except 2.
The point I am getting to is that in coping with my life change(s) is this. I have parts of my dad all around me. Little things, like his cowboy hat he wore when he as a truck driver. Mom just gave me his wedding band and a Taurus Necklace that he wore when I was a kid which my son now wears every day. My daughter has some of his Art supplies and the drawings they did together a few years ago that I will have framed for her. Even though his body has left this earth and we will not have him he there for the big things in life like grandkids graduations, weddings, great grandkids being born. He is all around us and looking out over us all.
We are now living in the year of 1st. It will be a hard one but I know it will get easier over time. We just had our 1st Easter dinner with out him. But the kids made the family Easter cake like we did when I was a kid. The next one will be his Birthday April 27th. Dad would have been 66 years old.
I still have my moments when I cry just thinking about him. He comes to visit me in my dreams. I'll be listening to a song that reminds me of him and us dancing in our living room when I was a little girl. I will look all over our home and know that he installed our fireplace mantle so that Jake could put up his Christmas stocking for his 2nd Christmas. Or the floors we walk on in all the rooms except for a few dad installed them with his hands and Jake with his plastic hammer installing our living room floor. Dad making Megan her headboard for her bed as she wanted to have a princess like bed when she was 6. I find comfort in all these things and will continue to do so until my last day on earth. I miss him, I miss his voice, his silly jokes, his laugh, his big bear hugs and his smile. I'm
coping and I'm going on living one day at a time.
So this is how I am dealing with my big life change. What big life change have you gone thru recently? How have you dealt with it? Do you have any coping skills you feel like your would like to share or do you just go with the flow? We all have like changes and some are big and some are small but they all have an impact on us all on some level.
Thank you for taking time out of your day to read about mine. 💗NYTS
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